Here's What TheMovieZombie Says About THE BEST OF NeedToVent!

"Bob Nowotny is the most dangerous cultural commentator in captivity. This collection of reviews and ravings is not for the prudish, but those with a taste for outlaw criticism will find much to enjoy here."

"America's Number One Book When You Are Doing Number Two!"

"America's Number One Book When You Are Doing Number Two!"

What better way to start the day than with a chorizo and egg breakfast taco, a cup of steaming hot java and "THE BEST OF NeedToVent!" beside the old porcelain throne?

"It's Metamucil for the soul!" Mark S., Colorado

Over 300 pages of pithy, cutting-edge movie reviews, sports trivia and quirky observations concerning the human condition, "THE BEST OF NeedToVent!" is a must for anyone who needs a reason to smile before going to work -- or to bed. No chapter is longer than five pages -- most are only one or two -- making this a very easy book to pick up and put down for the person always on the go.

I know what you are thinking -- "Should I purchase this book?"

Perhaps my friend Kinky Friedman says it best -- "Why the Hell not?"

To see a Preview and to Order your copy from the publisher, just click on this link:

THE BEST OF NeedToVent! by Robert A. Nowotny | Make Your Own Book

"THE BEST OF NeedToVent!" by Robert A. Nowotny

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SPECIAL LIMITED TIME OFFER!!! Purchase your copy of "THE BEST OF NeedToVent!" directly from the author and you will receive a signed copy. Click on this link for more details:

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THE RADICALS Turns 20

THE RADICALS is an expansive, historically accurate, independently-financed feature film which presents the never-before-told true story of the first church formed during the Reformation. Shot entirely on location in France, Switzerland and Germany, THE RADICALS was honored as one of the three best American motion pictures produced in the 1990s by the International Festival for the Arts. (The other two were SCHINDLER'S LIST and GETTYSBURG). In addition, it was selected as the "Best Religious Film of the Year" by The Religious Public Relations Council of America. Other awards include top honors at film festivals ranging from Tokyo to Ghent to Houston.

Now, two decades later, the immensely talented Jane Bohon has published a 20th Anniversary Tribute commemorating the making of THE RADICALS. It is perhaps the most extensive publication of its kind for a relatively low budget, independent production.

To learn more about this remarkable book go to:

http://www.blurb.com/books/1152998


Within the 98 full-color pages you will find scores of photos, testimonials, cast and crew anecdotes and behind-the-scene insights for a film one reviewer has called, "A very special movie depicting an important moment in history that changed the direction of Western civilization." (Robbie de Vries)

On behalf of everyone associated with THE RADICALS allow me to convey to Ms. Bohon our sincere appreciation for all the hard work, the incredible commitment and the undying dedication in making this 20th Anniversary something truly special.

Thanks Jane -- you're the best!

TIGER WOODS PUTZ OUT -- Update #2

Let's start with the ridiculous --

Earl Woods, Tiger's dad, once said: "He's qualified through his ethnicity to accomplish miracles. He's the bridge between the East and the West. There is no limit because he has the guidance. I don't know yet exactly what form this will take -- but he is the Chosen One."

"The Chosen One?" -- How pretentious is that? You won't even find something this magniloquent or ostentatious in a Tim Tebow press release.


Anyway, here's some of the latest on Tiger (minus the Euphrates) in case you have been under sedation for the last week or so...

1. Nothing, it seems, can satisfy the insatiable appetite of the celebrity media to find out more about Tiger Woods, and their reports had no trouble finding an audience. Traffic to the biggest websites jumped 50 percent or more. In fact, Yahoo, Inc. CEO Carol Bartz told an investor conference that the Woods story was "better than Michael Jackson dying" for bringing people to her site and helping Yahoo sell enough extra advertising to boost profits. Jeez, we didn't know the King of Pop died in vain...

2. The Mayor of Las Vegas predicted a similar boost for the local economy. With many of Woods' alleged lovers having links to Sin City, and with Woods well known in Vegas casinos and nightclubs, Mayor Oscar Goodman said all this publicity, "would provide a boost to the local economy even if people no longer believed that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Who can argue with the Mayor? Clearly what happens in Vegas stays in Rachel, Jaimee and Kalika.

3. Even other sports were affected by the Tiger sweepstakes saga. For example, a horse at Hollywood Park named Driveliketiger finished third in a recent race. The horse apparently did not hit anything along the way -- maybe Tiger should get a Jockey as a stocking stuffer this year.


The ultimate irony, of course, is that Tiger Woods spent almost all of his entire life keeping score on the golf course. Now people everywhere are keeping score on him.

And the jokes continue...

What is Tiger's favorite Christmas Carol? "I'm dreaming of a White Mistress."

How does Tiger like his women? Just like his golf balls -- white, with dimples.

Tiger said the fault for his accident was his Escalade. That's oh-so typical of a golfer -- always blame the caddy!

Will there be more to come? As Sarah Palin would say, "You betcha!"

TIGER WOODS PUTZ OUT -- Update #1

(The small image size of the above photo is in direct correlation to the reduced image Tiger now possesses worldwide)

Just minutes after posting our TIGER WOODS -- Mulligan Stew article a Reuters carrier pigeon arrived at Needtovent's office complex delivering a published statement by the grating golfing great which read, in part, "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all my heart...(but) personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions."

Transgressions?

Seems to us that Mr. Clean could at least man-up and call a spade a spade (for lack of a better adage).

Alas, Tiger does appear to be drinking his Kool-Aid. And to think, this statement was made mere minutes after our posting which is read worldwide. A coincidence? We think not.

As a Special Bonus to Needtovent readers, here's a picture of this year's Christmas Card photo of Elin and Tiger:


Additional developments include:

Tiger Woods' wife, Elin, is reportedly being paid a hefty seven-figure amount to stay with her husband, according the Chicago Sun-Times. The money is being transferred into an account she controls.

Additionally, Elin has demanded and will get a rewrite on the couple's prenuptial agreement. Originally, the agreement said the couple needed to remain married for 10 years in order for her to collect a divorce settlement of $20 million. Under the rewritten agreement, the time frame has been shortened and the dollar amount increased "substantially."

The couple has also begun marriage counseling at their Florida home.

Two final observations:

*** I guess the PGA really stands for the Pussy Galore Association -- now I know why men work so hard to get a Tour Card.

*** Kobe Bryant got off easy.

TIGER WOODS -- Mulligan Stew

There hasn't been too much to laugh about since Dick Cheney peppered the face of his hunting buddy with a Browning 12 Gauge -- until now.

From the very moment Tiger Woods' bumbling Triple-Bogeyman bumper car excursion was first reported, the Staff at Needtovent began to cachinnate and high-five with the fervor of Nurse Ratched's loonies off their meds. Apparently the same crack (pun intended) "damage control" public relations firm that handled the Exxon Valdez disaster is calling the shots in what The Sunday Times referred to as "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant." As a result, poor Tiger's Tale will have legs, as they, say, for months to come.

"What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards."

Several specific observations:


Boy, are we glad we don't live in the Sunshine State. Is it just us, or does Florida Highway Patrol's Major Cindy Williams, shown here at the press conference declaring that Mr. Woods will only be charged with a simple traffic citation, lack even a modicum of constabulary professionalism? Tiger has said he is embarrassed by his actions. Shouldn't law enforcement officials and Smoky Bear be embarrassed also?

"What was Tiger and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning?
They were clubbing."

One fascinating facet of this whole affair is that Tiger's neighbors, whose tree he hit, is the Adams Family. Needtovent is presently pursuing an exclusive interview with Gomez and his wife Morticia who were the first on the scene of the accident not carrying a 9-iron. Yes, we know what people say about the Adams family: "They're creepy and they're kooky. Mysterious and spooky. They're all together ooky." We are not sure about the ooky part, but what the Hell...

"Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. Apparently he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron."


Finally, we couldn't help but end this posting with a photo of Rachel Uchitel, the first of what could be many prime-time concubines. We told you this story had legs, and this proves it...

MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE -- 2009 Edition

Yesterday's 83rd Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was longer and more boring than a Southern Baptist Convention. Listed below are a half-dozen observations the Staff at Needtovent felt compelled to pass along...

1. Milton DeLugg was credited as the Musical Director for this event. Born in 1918, Mr. DeLugg is still going strong at the age of 91. We remember him best for his work on both Johnny Carson's TONIGHT SHOW and, later, Chuck Barris' THE GONG SHOW. Needtovent hereby salutes Mr. DeLugg whose musical interludes between singers and marching bands was a highlight of this year's parade.


2. The most insipid, pathetic and annoying singing performance out of literally dozens must go to Mitch Musso, the Hanna Montana co-star, whose rendition of "Shout It Out" was literally projectile-vomit inducing. We can only hope that his fate mirrors another Musso of sorts, that being Benito Mussolini, shown above with his mistress, Clara Petacci. We've already bought the rope...


3. Macy's distinctive Red Star logo was displayed on more banners and vehicles than you'll see at any May Day Parade at the Kremlin.

4. We did find one commercial to be especially enlightening. Without doubt, Needtovent is firmly convinced that any toy manufactured by Fisher-Price is beyond banal. If you want to provide your child with even a modicum of intellectual stimulation, we strongly suggest that you do not purchase anything from this company -- their entire toy line is hebetudiness-inducing for even prenatal children.


5. Among all of the big, inflatable balloons, only one got us thinking: If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? So much for intellectual stimulation...

6. And, finally, thank God for the Rockettes. Their gams were a Hell of a lot more fun to watch than any of the NFL's Thanksgiving Day games.

Until next year...

PONTIAC SILVERDOME -- The Deal Of The Century?

Yesterday the Pontiac Silverdome was sold at auction. When completed in 1975, at a cost of $55.7 million (the equivalent of around $70 million today), it was the largest stadium in the National Football League, with seating for 80,368 loyal Detroit Lions fans. And every seat was indoor thanks to the 10-acre Teflon coated fiberglass roof supported by no less that 1,700 tons of structural steel.

The selling price: $583,000.

That's not a typo. The selling price was a mere Five Hundred Eighty Three Thousand Dollars.

This amount is virtually the same as the asking price for the luxury high-rise condominium I was recently looking at in downtown San Antonio. I was told that this was a bargain the likes of which I would never, ever see again.

When I broached my semi-trusty Century 21 agent about the purchase price of the Silverdome he found the news so shocking it turned his sports coat a hideous yellow vomit color. Oh wait, it was already that way. But, now his face was just a half-shade off to match his jacket.

Just for fun, let's make some simple comparisons -----

Square Footage:
Silverdome -- 430,000/sf
Luxury Condo -- 2,150/sf

Price Per Square Foot:
Silverdome -- $1.36/sf
Luxury Condo -- $271.00/sf

Bedrooms:
Silverdome -- 1,240 Luxury Suites
Luxury Condo -- 1 Master/1 minuscule Guest Bedroom

Kitchens:

Silverdome -- 1 Full Service Epicurean Restaurant supplemented by 42 Concession Stands
Luxury Condo -- 1 average-sized kitchen -- with built-in disposal, trash compacter and granite counter tops. Yipeee...

Parking Places:

Silverdome -- 12,464 on-site, with another 8,700 off-site
Luxury Condo -- 2

Oh yes, the purchase of the Silverdome includes 132 acres of land. The Luxury Condo does not include any land whatsoever.

To be totally fair, my refrigerator now sports a Century 21 Refrigerator Magnet -- a gift given to me even though I have not made a purchase. I also have a Century 21 Key Chain. How can they afford such largesse?

All kidding aside, there obviously is no comparison. But is bigger really better?

Just ask any woman...

PALINTOLOGY 101

Who says academia is boring?

Needtovent is excited about a whole new branch of science which has recently captured the spotlight of America's foremost network and cable channels. Usually such scientific endeavors are relegated to smaller media outlets such as the Discovery Channel or My Weekly Reader, but Palintology is making headlines everywhere. In fact, one can now take a course in this new field thanks to it's matriarch -- one Sara Palin, who, like Darwin, lends her name to this fascinating discipline.

As defined by the editors of the Science Christian Merrimack, Palintology is the vivisection of old fossils, especially those pertaining to the brief McCain Era.

Being such a new field of study, there is currently only one practitioner, Ms. Palin herself, seen above just prior to holding class at Wasilla High.

In closing, we cannot help but wonder what the yardstick is all about. Even our most dreaded nun, Mother Superior Vader, confined herself to a 12" ruler...

THE IRONDALE CAFE -- The Worst Meal Ever???

Over the past sixty-plus years I have visited every state in the union and thirty-seven foreign countries. As a result, I have eaten at literally thousands of eateries -- ranging from among the fanciest and most expensive to some of the smallest dives well off the beaten track. Most of the time the food is pretty good, but there have been a number of regrettable meals which remain seared in my memory.

For example, there's the Peking Duck I was served at a restaurant in Beijing that was so fatty I named the poor bird "Arbuckle." If nothing else, this culinary experience made me realize that if reincarnation is true, I absolutely, positively do not want to come back as a liposuction machine.

I also remember a pu pu platter served in Austin that was so shockingly awful, it almost killed a Needtovent staffer. It was worse than poo-poo, that's for sure.

The same holds true for any number of "mixed grill" offerings served while attending the Varna International Film Festival in Bulgaria. Even Alfred Packer wouldn't have been able to digest the various meats which comprised this ubiquitous entree during Todor Zhivkov's reign as President of that impoverished country.

And, of course, there is the Olive Garden -- but I'll discuss that topic at another time.

Which brings me to the Irondale Cafe located just outside the city limits of Birmingham, Alabama. Originally a hot dog stand, which later added hamburgers, barbecue and a variety of sandwiches to the menu, the business was purchased by Miss Bess Fotenberry in 1932, and shortly thereafter the Irondale Cafe (aka the original Whistle Stop) became well-known for its signature dish -- fried green tomatoes.


As it turns out, Bess Fotenberry's niece is Fannie Flagg and her book featuring the restaurant became a best seller. And in January, 1992, the movie version of FRIED GREEN TOMATOES premiered at the Cobb Galleria Theatre in Birmingham. The place became an over-night sensation and tourists from around the world flocked to this small eatery, with most ordering fried green tomatoes. After all, why not? Even the local newspaper ran an article with the headline: "Seen the movie? Now taste the title."

So far, so good.


Which brings me to the evening of November 7, 2010, when yours truly, accompanied by the same Needtovent staffer who barely survived the dreaded pu pu platter, decided to eat at what some consider to be an American icon. Icon my ass, what "icon" tell you is that this was among the worst meals either of us have ever experienced.

I'll be brief -- the breading on my catfish was muculent -- there's simply no other way to describe what was on the plate. As for the celebrated fried green tomatoes -- they were soggy and the only taste associated with them came from the oil used. Even the dinner rolls were terrible -- being greasier than a Puerto Rican's pillow.

To be totally fair, the service, such as it existed, was adequate.

Maybe this wasn't the single worst meal I have ever experienced. Then again, maybe it was. But what I can say for certain is that you must not be mislead by the dozens of testimonials appearing on the Irondale Cafe's website -- they constitute the largest collection of fiction this side of Oxford University.

PHILLIE PHENOM

Last night Philly Phenom Chase Utley hit two home runs to help propel the underdogs from the City of Brotherly Love to a surprising 6-1 victory over the overpaid Bronx Bombers. In doing so, Utley became the first left-handed hitter to hit two 'taters off of a left-handed pitcher in a World Series game since the mighty Bambino did so over eighty years ago.

I repeat -- this was the first time a lefty batter homered twice against left-handed pitching in the Fall Classic since October 9, 1928, when Babe Ruth accomplished the same feat off of Cardinals' pitcher Bill Sherdel.

Talk about an obscure statistic. Who keeps track of such things?

The fact remains that this is an extremely rare accomplishment which led the Staff at Needtovent to research Mr. Utley a little more, given his current celebrity status.

We like what we found...

For example, his minor league career included playing for such storied organizations as the Cotuit Kettleers and the Batavia Muckdogs. Seems like this fella thrives on obscurity. And prior to each of his plate appearances at Citizens Bank Park the public address systems plays "Kashmir" by Led Zepplin. A nice choice.


Another nice choice is his very attractive wife, Jennifer. Lookin' good...

A first game victory over the Damn Yankees is lookin' good, also, which makes me really, really crave a Philly Cheesesteak and an ice-cold Rolling Rock...

Go Phillies!

VANCOUVER OLYMPICS

As a follow-up to our previous posting regarding Picabo Street, Needtovent is pleased to reveal the unique design for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics Gold, Silver and Bronze Medals. Organizers proudly declare that these medals "each feature a different crop of larger contemporary Aboriginal artworks and are undulating rather than flat -- both firsts in Games history. The dramatic form of the Vancouver 2010 medals is inspired by the ocean waves, drifting snow and mountainous landscape found in the Games region and throughout Canada."

Has the word "undulating" ever been used in a sports-related press release before? We think not.

Topography aside, we can not help but agree with Ron Judd, columnist at the Seattle Times, who described the medals as "displaying the traditional native 45RPM-record-left-on-dashboard-in-sun design."

Well, they are shiny.

Let the games begin...

PICABO STREET

Olympic medalist Picabo Street -- whose unusual first name comes from the Native American word that means "shining waters" and is pronounced "peek-a-boo" -- recently earned the respect and admiration of her local community when she headed the fund raising efforts for a much-needed addition to the Sun Valley Hospital. You see, the nearest hospital with an Intensive Care Unit was located over 150 miles away in Boise. Leading the way, Ms. Street was instrumental in securing the necessary financing for a brand new state-of-the-art intensive care wing which is now fully operational.

Yes, you guessed it, the facility is named the Picabo ICU.

OBAMA'S WON THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE -- WTF?!

The above headline from Britain's TELEGRAPH is the most recent in the storied history of wonderful newspaper headlines from around the world. Needtovent's research staff wondered what our Top Three of all-time would be. Here, in no particular order, are the ones we selected.


HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR (New York Post, 1983 -- a story covering a rather gruesome local murder)

STICKS NIX HICK PIX (Variety, 1935 -- regarding rural moviegoers preferring urban films)

IKE 'BEATS' TINA TO DEATH (New York Post, 2007 -- article covers Ike Turner's death on December 12)

Bonus: SUPER CALEY GO BALLISTIC CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS (The Times, UK -- covering Inverness Caledonian Thistle's huge victory over Celtic in the Scottish Cup)

OFAY OAF OTAY?

Well, it might be otay for Buckwheat, but a number of black players in the National Football League do not agree.

The "ofay oaf," of course, is Mr. Rush Limbaugh who recently announced his interest in purchasing an ownership position in the St. Louis Rams professional football team. This is the same man who once declared, "Let me put it to you this way: the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons. There, I said it." Yes you did, why not just refer to the league as the Nigerian Football League or some other derogatory term starting with an "N" and rhyming with the word "trigger"?


Big cigar, big mouth. Little doubt he's America's Number One Racist.

Here's just a few other "gems" from Rush-a-roo:

You know who deserves a posthumous Medal of Honor? James Earl Ray [the confessed assassin of Martin Luther King]. We miss you, James. Godspeed.

I mean, let’s face it, we didn’t have slavery in this country for over 100 years because it was a bad thing. Quite the opposite: slavery built the South. I’m not saying we should bring it back; I’m just saying it had its merits. For one thing, the streets were safer after dark.

The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies.

Have you ever noticed how all composite pictures of wanted criminals resemble Jesse Jackson?

O.K. -- this last one is pretty funny, we'll grant you that.

But is it otay for someone who blurts such rhetoric over the airwaves to own a major sports franchise in a league where the majority of the players are black? New York Giants defensive end Mathias Kiwanuka is one of the first to speak out on this issue. Here's what he said:

"All I know is from the last comment I heard. He said in (President) Obama's America white kids are getting beat up on the bus while black kids are chanting 'right on.' I mean, I don't want anything to do with a team that he has any part of. He can do whatever he wants, it is a free country. But if it goes through, I can tell you where I am not going to play. I am not going to draw a conclusion from a person off of one comment, but when it is time after time after time and there's a consistent pattern of disrespect and just a complete misunderstanding of an entire culture that I am a part of, I can't respect him as a man."

Nicely said Mathias.


Needtovent suspects a few existing owners may also be prejudiced to one degree or another, but while it might be otay with Buckwheat, we predict, Mr. Limbaugh, the vote regarding ownership in the NFL may be close, but no cigar.

STUPID SEX TRICKS -- AND A STUPID LAW

"If you mess up, 'fess up."

Simple words. Ones that should stand the test of time. After all, the importance and necessity of taking responsibility for one's actions is sacrosanct. Or is it?

Which brings me to the recent events surrounding David Letterman.

Apparently Mr. Letterman had a number of sexual affairs with several female employees (at least I assume they were all female). I guess CBS actually stands for you Can't Be Serious. Then again, if Marge Simpson is going to grace the November cover of PLAYBOY Magazine, then I suppose anything is possible. But honestly, folks, let's be real -- conventional aesthetics scream loud and clear that Letterman is one unfortunate-looking dude; what woman in her right mind could possibly want to have sex with him? Well, perhaps Dorothy Parker said it best:

"If all those sweet young wanna-be starlets were laid end to end I wouldn't be surprised at all."

But I digress...


What two consenting adults do behind closed doors is their business and in this case no laws of any kind were broken. Well, maybe one. And it wasn't by Letterman nor by his concubines, but by one Robert Halderman, a Producer for another CBS program -- 48 HOURS MYSTERY. According to published reports, Halderman threatened to go public with Letterman's sexual indiscretions unless he was paid $2 million. This is a rather simple business proposition, plain and simple, "Give me two million smackaroos old gap tooth or I'll divulge that you plunked your magic twanger where you shouldn't have. Accept my terms or these skeletons in your closet will be made known to the court of public opinion."

But wait -- forget the court of public opinion, it is the judicial court system that has top jurisdiction because our current laws say this is an illegal business proposition. In simple terms, the law states that one cannot threaten someone else with embarrassing, disgraceful or damaging facts about that person to the public, family, spouse or associates if asking to be paid off for not carrying out the threat. Interestingly, should one go public or tell family members about an indiscretion of some kind and does so without asking for money, it is not against the law. The way I see it, at least Mr. Halderman was giving Mr. Letterman an option -- one that he was free to accept or reject -- just like there exists in any free-market bargaining activity in contemporary society. Why it is legal to rat on someone for free but not for a fee is beyond my comprehension.

Remember, the allegations being made were true -- this is not slander. And the real issue is simply one of taking responsibility for one's actions, whether this entails wrong doing of any kind, or more accurately in this case, a perceived wrong doing. "If you mess up, 'fess up." And if you dont want to 'fess up, keep your twanger zipped.

Like Henny Youngman once said:

Patient: It hurts when I do this."
Doctor: Then don't do that.

Is Halderman a scumbag? Probably -- but being a scumbag doesn't mean you can be arrested and tried. If that were a viable criteria, there would be precious few in Congress, for example. So if Letterman was fearful of the consequences for his stupid sex tricks, if he knew it would hurt his marriage and his career if the facts got out, then the onus falls on him. It's time to pay the piper -- in cash or shame.

Consider this quote by Jean-Paul Sartre: "Man is condemned to be free: because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does."

Consider, also, this quote from Bill Maher: "We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities."

In closing, I leave the reader with two final thoughts --

One is that I realize my point of view will not be shared by many, probably the vast majority, of my readers. That's o.k.


The second is this humorous quote from former Letterman producer Merrill Markoe, perhaps the most well-known former Letterman flame to have worked on his show. Markoe won five Emmy awards as the head writer for "Late Night with David Letterman," the NBC talk show that followed the "Tonight Show" and subsequently made Letterman a star. Markoe has been credited with the creation of Letterman's vaunted "Stupid Pet Tricks" and "Stupid Human Tricks" segments, both of which remain hallmarks of his show. Markoe posted a humorous statement about the scandal over the weekend on her web site in which she said, "Okay. Here it is. My big comment on Mr. Letterman... It is this: As you can imagine, this has been a very emotional moment for me because Dave promised me many times that I was the only woman he would ever cheat on."