BRUNO

Is Bruno numero uno?

Yes and no.

Accoring to preliminary reports, Sacha Baron Cohen's BRUNO is Number 1 at the box office this opening weekend much to the consternation of the Christian Film & Television Commission. Yes, good old Ted Baehr and his fellow inquisitors have anointed BRUNO the most "abhorrent" film of the year, calling it "mindlessly pornographic, politically correct paganism" and "worse than any decent human being can imagine." Hey, that sounds like my kind of film!

But, while BRUNO pushes more envelopes than the U. S. Post Office, most end up in the dead letter file thanks to a screenplay that is so shoddily constructed you would think Kaufman & Broad had written it. After a surprisingly slow start in Austria, the various contrived scenes go downhill faster than Franz Klammer on the Hahenkamm at Kitzbuehl. Things pick up, slightly, when the title character reaches Los Angeles, but even at a relatively short 82 minutes, Sacha's sashaying grew tiresome and I found myself longing for The Village People or Bruce Vilanch or Paul Lynde, even Topo Gigio.


There are a few bright moments, such as the segment at an Arkansas wrestling arena where the local red-necks, looking like Beluga whales in cheesy t-shirts, become mortified at the homo heat taking place in the rink between Bruno and his sycophant assistant, Lutz (played by Gustaf Hammarsten). And the clips from his appearance on The Richard Bey Show in Dallas, where he introduces his adopted black baby as "O.J." (claiming it is a traditional African name), is priceless. How Cohen manages to escape both the Pig Sooie state and Big D alive is beyond me. How he managed to escape the dreaded NC-17 rating is also perplexing. BRUNO may be rated R -- but it is a hard R, a virtual diamond-cutter of an R to be precise.

Yet, for every little comedic gem, there are several sequences that misfire as often as a Vanguard rocket. For someone who is Cambridge educated, how in the world did Sacha Baron Cohen think his Ron Paul interview was going to be funny? Wouldn't Senator Larry Craig have been a better choice? Even the much ballyhooed closing song featuring Baron singing his own unique version of "We Are The World" with such luminaries as Bono, Slash, Snoop Dog, Chris Martin, Sting and Elton John disappoints.


Unfortunately, BRUNO isn't anywhere near as entertaining or as funny as BORAT, and while BRUNO rules the box office this weekend, we predict ticket sales will nosedive like a Stuka once the word gets out. Wanna bet?

ALAN EMBREE -- Baseball Trivia

The staff at Needtovent has a long-standing appreciation for the little oddities that continue to comprise a unique, interesting portion of baseball history. For example, we previously reported on the plight of Joe Pignatano who will forever be remembered most for his being the only major league player to ever hit into a triple play in his last at-bat. That's a pretty unfortunate way to end an otherwise respectable major league career.


On a more positive note, Colorado Rockies pitcher Alan Embree accomplished something that is about as rare as anything found in America's Pastime: He threw zero pitches against zero batters but was still credited as the winning pitcher in a recent game against the lowly Washington Nationals. This has to be hands down the easiest win in major league history.

It was the top of the eighth inning and the game was tied 4-4. Austin Kearns was on first and there were two outs. That's when Embree came in to relieve Joel Peralta, but luckily for him the Nats poor play extends beyond hitting, pitching and fielding to include baserunning as well. Before even getting the opportunity to throw a pitch, Embree tossed the ball over to first and caught a sleeping Kearns between first and second base. Kearns was tagged out. Embree exited the game for a pinch-hitter hitter in the bottom half of the inning and the Rockies scored to take the lead. Reliever Huston Street then took the mound and closed out the ninth to seal the victory for Embree.

Yep, zero pitches thrown, but a big "W" nonetheless. Go figure...

FARRAH FAWCETT

Yesterday was a terrible day. Micheal Jackson's death was a shock, but for me, the passing of Farrah Fawcett was more personal and tragic.

I remember the first time I met Farrah -- it was at a Delta Sig keg party in 1967, and she was dating a very lucky fraternity brother. She was tremendously beautiful, very bright and she told me that she was committed to becoming the best actress she could be. Farrah left the University of Texas shortly thereafter, and the rest is history.

Speaking of history, I was on a blind date that evening and this particular coed wasn't too bad either. In fact, some 40 years later I am still married to her.

THOR AT THE BUS STOP

A well-made, entertaining, low-budget, independently produced comedy is about as rare as a Republican politician being faithful to his wife. Yet, Needtovent has discovered several over the past few years -- the Rohalian world of folksy fun and fastidious fantasy comprising THE GUATEMALAN HANDSHAKE, the gangly Gerber goober mockumentary THE BABY FOOD DUDE, and 3 DAYS BLIND, the rollicking, frolicking ribald romp from Those Keith Brothers. Joining this tantalizing trifecta is the mojo mjolnir madness brought to the screen by another pair of brothers, Jerry and Mike Thompson, whose THOR AT THE BUSTOP features more eccentric, eclectic, endearing characters than an entire season of "The Gong Show."

THOR AT THE BUS STOP is an impressive, idiosyncratic feature film which follows Thor on the day he will save the world. Unfortunately, this act of heroics will inevitably cost him his life. What makes matters worse, no one seems to care. Such is the maddening milieu found on "the far side" of the tracks separating Las Vegas' fabulous strip from the white-trash environs located on the edge of town. Come to think of it, THOR AT THE BUS STOP could become both Chuck Barris' and Gary Larson's favorite movie.

Utilizing an unconventional approach to traditional narrative similar to that found in Richard Linklater's SLACKER (1991), THOR consists of a chain of linked, disparate characters who are all in search of something. Another example of this unique sub-genre would be THE PHANTOM OF THE LIBERTY (1974), directed by the master of surrealism, Luis Buneul. Clearly this scatterbrained structure, although quite rare, is not without precedent. Just goes to show that's there's really very little that's new under the sun -- but in this case the scorching Sin City sun shines brightly on a wonderful ensemble of unknown local talent who grace the screen with winning performances throughout.

Among the seedy and needy are White Trash Chuck, a role that is perfect for Vegas native Kyle Bush. Alas, 'lil Kyle is too busy winning and whining on the NASCAR circuit, so Mike Thompson wisely cast himself in this stunning portrayal of someone desperately in search of his "inner cool." Brother Jerry's low-key portrayal of the title role of Thor hits just the right balance of pathos and platonic patriarchy. Another stand-out performance is given by Carlos Emjay as One Way Walter, the super-cool carjacker who befriends his victim even though he intends to kill him. Actually, the list of superb actors can go on and on -- there were a total of 42 speaking parts and virtually everyone delivered the goods, whether it be pizza, a bus, a yellow flower or a little bit of wisdom.

"I'm gonna tell you the secret of life. You ready? There are only two ways you can act. Just two. You can be cool or not. That's it. Those are your only choices."


(May Luong, David Schmoeller, Mike Thompson, Jerry Thompson)

While a ton of credit must be given to Jerry and Mike Thompson (who not only directed and appear in key roles, they also wrote the original screenplay and edited the film as well), there's no denying that the skilled producing team of David Schmoeller and May Luong surely helped guide the way. Schmoeller's name should be familiar -- he's the incredibly talented director of such classic, cult films as PUPPETMASTER (the original), TOURIST TRAP, CRAWLSPACE and the unforgettable short, PLEASE KILL MR. KINSKI. He is now an Associate Professor at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas; the Thompsons and Ms. Luong are previous students of his. I recall the old Chinese proverb, "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." Looks like Schmoeller is among that rare breed who can do both -- and do them exceedingly well.

While all of the technical aspects of THOR AT THE BUS STOP are solid given the incredibly low budget, one must single out the Original Score by Jackson Wilcox, the Original Music Produced by Ronald Corso and the featured songs by Hungry Cloud and A Crowd of Small Adventures. A fantastic job by all -- and considerably above that found in many films costing literally a hundred times more. Oh yes, there's even an uncredited appearance by Raymond Joseph Teller, of Penn & Teller fame, just to top things off.

THOR AT THE BUS STOP has recently had successful screenings at CineVegas, the Singapore International Film Festival and the 2009 World Comedy Festival in Bangkok. There will surely be more festival awards and screenings to come. In the meantime, negotiations are on-going with both domestic and foreign film distributors. It is often said that "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." In the case of THOR AT THE BUS STOP we hope that's not the case -- this highly entertaining and enjoyable feature film deserves a wide-spread release.


More information, photos and a trailer can be found at: www.thoratthebusstop.com.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 (2009) -vs- THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE (1974)

Originally written for Bryce Zabel's Movie Smackdown! Website -- www.moviesmackdown.com


The Smackdown. What's more dicey than a Hollywood remake? Especially for a director who takes on the task of reshooting a film considered to be the precursor for many big budget Hollywood suspense thrillers that followed, films like Quentin Tarantino's "Reservoir Dogs" or Jan de Bont's "Speed." Might as well go to the craps table at Monte Carlo. But auteurs (and those who think they are auteurs) often go where angels fear to tread. This time it is none other than that other Scott, Tony, who tackles Joseph Sargent's successful blend of suspense, drama, action, thrills (with even a bit of comedy thrown in for good measure) -- "The Taking of Pelham One Two Three." Both films share the same basic underlying premise from the novel by John Godey. And Godey's premise is a goody -- four gunmen hijack a New York City subway train and demand a huge ransom be paid within the hour. The money must not be late in arriving because for every minute thereafter, one of the hostages will be shot. No exceptions. What ensues is a deadly cat and mouse game of verbal sparring between the leader of the highly armored gang and the unlucky transit official who must do everything possible to delay the inevitable. It's said that Benito Mussolini kept the trains running on time. Does Tony Scott do the same for the New York Transit Authority? Or is the original the better ride? It's time to get out the subway tokens -- all aboard!


The Challenger. As Chester A. Riley might say, "What a Travoltin' development this is!" Blessed with mega-star power, Tony Scott's version features John Travolta as Ryder, an ex-commodities trader turned ex-con who masterminds a plot to steal even more money than that Bernie guy made-off with. Talk about a low life. On the other side of the tracks, the good side, is Denzel Washington, a Walter Mitty sort of fella who is a disgraced MTA official recently demoted to the position of a train dispatcher in the NASA-like central control room for the Big Apple's subway system. Just his luck that he's the guy who fields Ryder's call for the ransom money. The razor-sharp dialogue from screenwriter Brian Helgeland allow these two heavyweight actors to engage in a wickedly escalating two-person verbal dance as the clock enevitably ticks down. Travolta's language is more foul than the waters of Lake Titicaca, but it is believable, edgy, realistic, and quirky -- his randy remarks about taking a Lithuanian ass model to Iceland is classic.

Adding to the tense proceedings are John Turturro as the head hostage negotiator and John Gandolfini as the mayor. Unfortunately, neither are given all that much to do and the same definitely holds true for all others appearing on screen. Clearly this is a "star vehicle" and the entire focus of the film rests on the excellent performances of the two leads. Editor Chris Lebenzon keeps things moving at a vibrant, sometimes frenetic pace, and Tony Scott's ADD directing style includes more stunts than a Kappa Alpha keg party. Yes, there's action all right, plenty of it, as the streets of the Big Apple resemble "the big one" at Talladega during the cops' desperate race-against-the-clock attempt to deliver the dough to the hijackers. And they better not be late -- Travolta sports a spiffy Breitling chronograph that insures he knows the exact time down in the bowels of the MTA. Fast paced, with a dynamic performance by Travolta and a winning one by Washington, Scott's version delivers a captivating summertime diversion in air conditioned comfort.


The Defending Champion. The original version of THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE (yes, the numbers were spelled out back in 1974) had Walter Matthau as Lt. Garber, the somewhat disheveled protagonist who correleates to Denzel's character in the remake. Robert Shaw plays Mr. Blue, the leader of the rainbow warriors who hijack a subway car containing 17 innocent riders and one very unlucky motorman. He is assisted by Martin Balsam (Mr. Green), Hector Elizondo (Mr. Gray) and Earl Hindman (Mr.Brown). These names prove yet again that almost nothing is ever new in cinema. Right Quentin? Other notables are Lee Wallace as the mayor, Jerry Stiller as Lt. Rico Patrone and, appropriately enough, a guy with the honest-to-God name of Jim Pelham who plays one of the Subway Guards.

The terrific screenplay by Peter Stone is rife with current references to a variety of issues facing New Yorkers in the 1970s -- both social and economic. "We don't want another Attica do we?" "There's another strike taking place?" "The city is broke." Unlike Scott's version, virtually all of the supporting cast members have something to say -- whether it be pithy, perceptive, philosophical, poignant or simply polite -- "Gesundheit!" (Believe it or not, this expression holds a significant clue to the identity of one of the hijackers. It is just another example of the countless small details found in Stone's script.) Joseph Sargent's directing style is relaxed, uncluttered, evenly paced. Shot during flu season, NYC has never looked grittier thanks to the muted colors and grainy images lensed by cinematographer Owen Roizman. In fact, there's almost a documentary feel to the film which heightens the tension once the hostage demands are announced. And no review would be complete without mentioning the excellent music score by David Shire. If I had not read the credits, I might have easily assumed that Elmer Bernstein had taken the subway from the West Side.

The Scorecard. June is what I like to call "Alice Cooper time." Yes, school's out for the summer and Hollywood never fails to bring big budget, boffo bonbons to your local Bijou in June. "The Taking of Pelham 123" is among the first of these to hit the screens, and based on a proven pedigree, this suspense thriller is a worthy accompaniment to a tub of buttered popcorn and a Dr Pepper. Comparisons between the two films are inevitable. The Tony Scott edition is definitely "bigger" -- while the exact figures are unknown, there is little doubt that the buget for his film was considerably larger than that of the original, inflation notwithstanding. The ransom amount demanded is higher, too, from $1 million to $10 million. The number of hostages rose from seventeen to nineteen. And the "star power" of John Travolta and Denzel Washington is definitely much bigger -- in fact Travolta's over-the-top portrayal of the gang leader is so bright it is like looking through the lens of the Hubble telescope.

But the original is considered a classic by many, and with good reason. A fabulous script, rock-steady direction, solid performances by everyone on the screen and superb technical aspects, including cinematography, editing, music and production design, all combine to produce a film that is long remembered after the closing credits. Add in a superior screenplay that references civil rights, the Vietnam War, gender issues, fiscal reponsibility, political corruption and a host of other topics on the minds of New Yorkers (and Americans in general) in the 1970s, and the Joseph Sargent version deserves its lofty reputation -- especially since it holds up so well thirty-five years after it was originally released.

The Decision. Both films are blessed with cracker-jack scripts containing enough surprises to keep one thoroughly entertained. And both screenwriters deliver razor-sharp dialogue, although Brian Helgeland's is more of a Bic disposable than the finely honed, serrated blade of Peter Stone's. Not only is Stone's script more nuanced and developed in its portrayal of the supporting characters, it possesses a broader range of emotions and a delightfully cynical sense of humor. "Why the Hell don't you hijack an aeroplane like everyone else?"

But it is in the area of "writer's convenience" where the two scripts differ the most. Albert Einstein once said that "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous." If true, then I have to believe that Helgeland might have been sitting on the right-hand side of the Creator when he penned the scene with Denzel Washington emerging from the subway tunnel grate just as Travolta is walking by. And while neither film excels in their portrayal of the poor innocent folks being held for ransom, the 2009 version is so deficient in this area I would label these bland, vanilla-esque characters "Hostage Twinkies." Even though the story takes place in an underground subway tunnel, I'm sure that Tony Scott, Brian Helgeland and associates wanted to take the crime caper genre to new heights of daring doo. D. B. Cooper they are not. On the other hand, Joseph Sargent's film is a classic, possessing superior suspense, a shocking suicide that is unforgettable, and there's a whole lot more taking place on the screen than two mega-stars and some hard-hitting car crashes. And so the winner is the 1974 edition of "The Taking of Pelham One Two Three." But don't just take my word for it -- Subway's own Jared S. Fogle agrees.

BEST TOWN DRUNK -- He's Yours Truly!

The inaugural Texandance International Film Festival was held this past weekend in the scenic Texas Hill Country town of New Braunfels. Forty-four feature films, shorts, music videos and trailers from around the world were showcased during the three-day event, including PALO PINTO GOLD which was screened right after the prestigious Awards Ceremony. Having attended dozens of film festivals throughout the United States, Canada and Europe, Needtovent staff members were extremely impressed with the quality of the films programmed. Festival Co-Founders Bryce Tumlinson and Vince Koegle are to be congratulated for organizing a successful event -- one that is sure to continue bringing high-quality independent cinematic works to the Central Texas area for many years to come.

Among the deserving films and filmmakers recognized by Traildance was Anthony Henslee who received the "Best Director" award for PALO PINTO GOLD. This is just the latest in a string of festival accolades for the light-hearted Western starring Roy Clark and Mel Tillis which was Produced by Needtovent's very own Robert A. Nowotny. However, the highlight of the evening was the ground-breaking award presented to Mr. Nowotny for "Best Town Drunk" -- an admittedly unusual accolade and, based on extensive research by the staff at Needtovent, an award unparalleled in cinema history. Needless to say, Mr. Nowotny is deeply grateful for this esteemed, unprecedented recognition for his unforgettable, albeit short, screen appearance. He has told us his life is now complete.


The festival and the awards ceremony were held at the restored Brauntex Theater in the historic downtown section of New Braunfels — a venue which has special meaning to Mr. Nowotny since this is the theater he used to go to regularly during his youth, mostly on Saturday afternoons where the double–feature science fiction/horror programs kept him both highly entertained and safely off the street. How could you go wrong when 35 cents and a Dr Pepper bottle cap got you in the door? And let's not forget the time he locked braces with perky Carol Priesmeyer — but that's another story best told elsewhere…

SCUDERIA FERRARI AT ITS FINEST

With all due apologies to Joyce Kilmer:

I think I shall never see
A more beautiful Ferrari...


This 1957 Ferrari 250 Testa Rossa once again blew away the competition, setting a world record for cars sold at auction when it fetched an eye-popping $12.1 million on Sunday, May 17, at the Leggenda e Passione, an event held on the sacred grounds of the Ferrari factory in Maranello, Italy. The Testa Rossa, chassis No. 0714TR, was the first of only 22 that were built. In its debut in competition it finished fourth at the Buenos Aires 1,000-kilometer race in 1958. More success followed as the Scaglietti designed speedsters went on to win 10 of the 19 international races they entered from 1959 to 1961.

The Testa Rossa, which translates to "red head" in Italian, beat the price set by another Ferrari, the 1961 250 GT SWB California Spider. That car was formerly owned by actor James Coburn and fetched $10.9 million last year.

They sure don't make 'em like they used to...


And don't just take my word for it. P. J. O'Rourke recently wrote in the weekend edition of "The Wall Street Journal" that the automobile has "ceased to be an object of desire and equipment for adventure and has turned into office, rec room, communications hub, breakfast nook and recycling bin -- a motorized cup holder. Americans, the richest people on earth, are currently stuck in the confines of their crossover SUVs, squeezed into less space than tech-support call-center employees in a Mumbai cubicle farm. I don't believe the pointy-head bureaucrats give a damn about climate change or gas mileage, much less about whether I survive a head-on with one of their tax-sucking mass-transit projects. All they want is to make me hate my car. How proud and handsome would Bucephalas look, or Traveler or Rachel Alexandra, with seat and shoulder belts, air bags, 5-mph bumpers and a maze of pollution control equipment under the tail?"

Well stated, Mr. O'Roarke. Virtually every automobile manufactured today is nothing more than tifosi tofu. Long live the Ferrari Testa Rosa, the Pontiac GTO, the Bugatti Veyron, the Shelby Mustang GT500, the Jaguar XK55 and all others who have the temerity to defy cup holders and idiot lights.

SIMON COWELL'S REPLACEMENT?

A NEEDTOVENT EXCLUSIVE!

Could the rumors regarding Simon Cowell leaving AMERICAN IDOL at the end of this season be true? And if so, who might replace him?

This photograph, taken by a card-carrying member of the paparazzi at 10:22 p.m. Friday, May 16, is presented here for the first time ever. (Take that Associated Press, Reuters and National Inquirer).

Yes, rumors abound...

What we do know is that Danny Gokey, Matt Giraud, Alexis Grace, Anoop Desai, Michael Sarver, Megan Joy and Jasmine Murray all seem to be enjoying the evening with our very own Robert A. Nowotny, seen holding court in the dining room of the Downtown Los Angeles Marriott Hotel.

According to reliable eyewitnesses, Alexis told Robert that San Antonio was one of her favorite cities. Danny bent over backward in support of this photo being taken. And Michael very much enjoyed discussing movies, although he admitted that when it came to PALO PINTO GOLD he had no idea who Mel Tillis was. Roy Clark -- yes. And Kinky Friedman -- definitely.

Oh yes, and for those who were wondering, it was readily apparent that all of these AMERICAN IDOL contestants get along with one another extremely well. A good time was being had by all...

THE RADICALS

Needtovent recently discovered a fabulous website dedicated to Norbert Weisser -- an extremely talented actor whose impressive list of credits can be accessed at IMDB.com. Having worked with Norbert while producing THE RADICALS we were especially pleased to learn that the page devoted to our film continues to be by far the single most popular posting on this website...


Reprinted with permission from www.norbert-weisser.com --

Two very powerful stories are woven together in the 1990 feature film THE RADICALS. It is the biographical account of Michael Sattler who founded the Anabaptist movement around 1525. The other story, one that is just as apparent, is the story of the absolute love and devotion that Michael and Margaretha Sattler had for each other.

The movie begins by reminding viewers that by 1525 the Roman Catholic Church had united Europe for over 1000 years and their authority was under attack. Reformation had split Europe into two worlds -- Catholic and Protestant. Peasants were rebelling against heavy taxes, and Turkish invaders threatened to overrun Europe.


This film covers a very brief period in the lives of spiritual martyrs Michael Sattler, portrayed by Norbert Weisser, and Margaretha, the beautiful Leigh Lombardi. They broke away from their religious order, were married and then began a quest to return the church to the morality of its early years. Michael and Margaretha's love and the deep, heartfelt connection they share is readily apparent throughout this entire film. Margaretha ended up losing her life because she believed in Michael's message and stood strongly beside him. Because she loved Michael as deeply as any woman could ever love a man, she could not renounce her beliefs or her love for him even though doing so would spare her life. Their efforts resulted in a movement the medieval world wasn't prepared to accept and stood ready to terminate -- by any means necessary.

(Producer Robert A. Nowotny portrays a Torture Victim in a scene in THE RADICALS)

Executive Producer Michael Hostetler and Producer Robert A. Nowotny won the CINE Golden Eagle Award in the History category for this movie. Other film festival honors include the Chris Award from the Columbus International Film & Video Festival (1990), the Silver Award presented by Worldfest-Houston (1989), and the Wilbur Award given to "the best faith-based film of the year" by the Religious Public Relations Council of America (1990). Liza Vann served as the Associate Producer and Director of Photography Michael K. Bucher was responsible for the terrific cinematography.

The movie is distributed by Gateway Films/Vision Video and is available from Amazon and other retailers. Included with the DVD is a copy of The Schleitheim Articles as authored on February 24, 1527. (Just as a trivia note, they also have a biographical DVD on Gladys Aylward, the English missionary woman who traveled to China in the 1930's, as played by Ingrid Bergman in the wonderful 1958 movie THE INN OF THE SIXTH HAPPINESS.)


Brief Biography of Michael Sattler

Michael Sattler was a monk who left the Roman Catholic Church during the Protestant Reformation to become one of the early leaders of the Anabaptist movement.

Born in approximately 1490 in Staufen, Germany, Sattler became a Benedictine monk in the cloister of St. Peter and most likely became prior by the time he left in 1525. That year he traveled to Zurich, which was then embroiled in controversy over infant baptism. He became associated with the Anabaptists and was probably rebaptised in the summer of 1526. He was involved in missionary activity around Horb and Rottenburg, and eventually traveled to Strasbourg. In February of 1527, he chaired a meeting of the Swiss Brethren at Schleitheim, and was particularly influential in developing the Schleitheim Confession, a declaration of Anabaptist belief.


(THE RADICALS is also available on VHS)

All of the costumes for the battle scene and the entire movie, over 700 people in all, were all sewn by volunteers -- primarily by women in Switzerland, for no pay. They wanted to be a part of the film because it had substance. Additionally, over twenty horses were provided for the movie for free by volunteers.

Filming was done in 15th century towns and villages in Switzerland, Germany, and in France, especially in and around Strasbourg.

Michael Hostettler grew up in a missionary family setting in Brazil and was quite interested in bringing forth this important story based on the book "Pilgrim Aflame," by Myron Augsberger. Screenwriters Joel Kauffmann and Darryl Wimberley ensured that the human story was featured just as prominently as the Anabaptist story, and paid particular attention to the love and devotion Michael and Margaretha Sattler had for each other, as well as telling the story of how they lived and ultimately died for their beliefs.

In the special featurette on the DVD, Robert Nowotny has a great story about their many attempts to get the weapons used in the battle scene, swords, lances and the like, from France into Switzerland because they didn't have the proper weapons permits in place. They finally managed to get them across a remote border crossing, and were able to proceed with the filming of the battle sequence.

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(Needtovent would like to thank the super-talented graphic designer Jane Bohon for her continued support of both Norbert Weisser and THE RADICALS at www.norbert-weisser.com. Not bad for a low budget, independent feature film that is now over 19 years old. How time flies...)

How About S&M Green Stamps?

Needtovent recently ran across a very intriguing newspaper article from our fine friends at Reuters. I don't know about you, but I'm calling Lufthansa right away. After all, not since the fall of the Berlin Wall has something more exciting or enticing happened in what was known as "the Fatherland" prior to the advent of condoms and birth control pills.

The article is reprinted below with occasional commentary by Needtovent's staff. (We couldn't resist.)


DATELINE: BERLIN

It did not take long for the world financial crisis to affect the world's oldest profession in Germany.

In one of the few countries where prostitution is legal, and unusually transparent, the industry has responded with an economic stimulus package of its own: modern marketing tools, rebates and gimmicks to boost falling demand.

Some brothels have cut prices or added free promotions while others have introduced all-inclusive flat-rate fees. Free shuttle buses, discounts for seniors and taxi drivers, as well as "day passes" are among marketing strategies designed to keep business going.

Discounts for seniors! That's a hell of a lot better than the Early Bird Special at Luby's Cafeteria...

"Times are tough for us too," said Karin Ahrens, who manages the "Yes, Sir" brothel in Hanover. She told Reuters revenue had dropped by 30 percent at her establishment while turnover had fallen by as much as 50 percent at other clubs.

"We're definitely feeling the crisis. Clients are being tight with their money. They're afraid. You can't charge for the extras any more and there is pressure to cut prices. Everyone wants a deal. Special promotions are essential these days."


Germany has about 400,000 professional prostitutes. In 2002, new legislation allowed prostitutes to advertise and to enter into formal labor contracts. It opened the way for them to obtain health insurance, previously refused if they listed their true profession.

They have health insurance! All I can say is that I hope it is better than my Blue Cross Blue Shield coverage...

Annual revenues are about 14 billion euros ($18 billion), according to an estimate by the Verdi services union. Taxes on prostitution are an important source of income for some cities.

Now that's a tax I can live with...

Prostitution is also legal and regulated in the Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, Hungary, Greece, Turkey and in some parts of Australia, and the U.S. state of Nevada.


Texas once had a brothel or two as well. I hate Marvin Zindler...

In other countries, such as Luxembourg, Latvia, Denmark, Belgium and Finland, prostitution is legal but brothels and pimping are not.

Berlin's "Pussy Club" has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing "flat rate" -- a 70-euro admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.

That's quite possibly the best deal since Roosevelt...

"Our offer might sound like it's too good to be true, but it's real. You can eat as much as you want, drink as much as you want and have as much sex as you want."

Other novel ideas used by brothels and prostitutes include loyalty cards, group sex parties and rebates for golf players.

Golf players! I wonder if you get a mulligan if you come too quickly...

Ecki Krumeich, manager of upmarket Artemis Club in Berlin, said he resisted pressure to cut prices, although senior citizens and taxi drivers get a 50-percent discount on the 80-euro admission fee on Sundays and Mondays.

"Naturally, we're keeping an eye on the overall economic situation and making contingency plans," said Krumeich, who said his "wellness club" is one of the largest in Europe with about 70 prostitutes. Our philosophy is: we provide an important service and even in a recession there are some things people won't do without. Just about everyone's turning to advertising in one form or another. If the consumer electronics shop and the optician come out with rebates and special promotions, why shouldn't we try the same thing?"


Well that settles it. I've finally found something I can afford to do with my buddy Max Mosley after Formula 1 races.

THE BABY FOOD DUDE

Step aside Mr. Jared S. Fogle. You too, Mr. Morgan Spurlock.

Yes, there's no denying that Subway Jared's weight-loss regimen has propelled him to considerable fame and a very decent income stream. And Spurlock's successful film, SUPER SIZE ME, certainly gained both notoriety and, quite possibly, brought about a major policy change by the burgermeisters at the Golden Arches. But, as any self-respecting foodie knows, a good pu-pu platter has more than two enticing appetizers to choose from, and Needtovent welcomes the addition of a newcomer to the sub-genre known as "food for thought" films -- he's a gastronomical guru, a gangly Gerber goober named Brice Tea, aka THE BABY FOOD DUDE.

On the surface THE BABY FOOD DUDE appears to be just a silly, lightweight comedy that is so stupid in places it makes the screenplay for DUMB AND DUMBER read like the Magna Carter. But, surprisingly, there's some real "meat" (for lack of a better word) to this low-budget, light-hearted indie production that on the surface appears to be nothing more than lightweight fare for the faculty impaired. Mr. Tea, however, is anything but a lightweight, at least at the beginning of what becomes a grand experiment. You see, Mr. Tea is determined to lose weight and so he tries a bizarre method that, honestly, only someone with a slightly demented mind could conceive -- that being a baby food-only diet for 40 days and 40 nights. Biblical? No. Umbilical? Maybe. And it certainly seems like an immensely immature, impulsive, implausible, impractical, imprudent, even imbecilic way to loose weight. But it is not immoral, as this film has nothing to do whatsoever with Russ Meyer's THE IMMORAL MR. TEAS -- a must-see film with enough eye candy to even satiate Mr. Peepers.

But, as Jerry L. Nelson would say, I digress...

Weighing in at a portly 245 pounds before the grand experiment, Mr. Tea tallied an impressive weight loss of 29.4 pounds in those forty days. Perhaps just as important is the fact that this man's cholesterol dropped from 174 to 137. Not bad, not bad at all...


Accompanying Mr. Tea on his journey from Texas to Los Angeles, to San Francisco, to Las Vegas to New Orleans and back is his real brother, Herb Tea, who plays a quasi-retard whose addled outlook on life provides, on several occasions, surprising insight. In addition, a fellow musician named Boogie tags along until he's unceremoniously left behind to fend for himself. With his abandonment, Brice and Herb find several willing drummers along the way who join in the outrageous ditties played by their band, the "Cool Arrows." (When saying the band's name out loud Spanish-speaking citizens will surely get a laugh...) As for the staff at Needtovent, the Cool Arrows remind us of our favorite Texas ensemble -- the World's Most Politically Incorrect Band -- Feo Y Loco. Dr. Demento and all Feoheads everywhere will appreciate these moronic musicians and their music which, despite the absurd lyrics, is quite catchy and appropriate for the siblings' shenanigans.


As much a road movie as a dietary experiment, Brice's journey has him breaking an unofficial world's record eating baby weenies (shades of Takeru Kobayashi) as well as setting another remarkable record, being the first man ever to eat baby food while standing simultaneously in two countries at once. Bet you've never seen that before. And while "the wheels of the bus go round and round," transporting us across vast stretches of the U.S. of A., we meet a fantastic array of miscellaneous misfits, including a black midget, a gold man, a redheaded fantasy girl and a terrific Ozzy Osbourne impersonator (Randy Hanson) whose randy portrayal of Sharon's wayward hubby reminds us all to "remember the Alamo," although the Daughters of the Texas Republic may not approve...


For a very low-budget effort, special mention must go to the excellent outdoor cinematography. The various scenes of Brice spooning out a baby food bottle in front of the Grand Canyon and the Golden Gate Bridge, in particular, are stunning. Believe it or not, but the same holds true for some of the forground shots of Brice atop the porcelain throne attached to the back of the brothers' bus. (Apparently the one down side of an all baby food diet is a devilish case of diarrhea. I do believe Mr. Tea could have posed for Auguste Rodin were he still alive). Other kudos must go to Troy Gunther's droll narration and to Rose Lee Tea who poignantly portrays a mother's trying, but loving acceptance of her children who have yet to grow up. This is a very special performance, indeed.


THE BABY FOOD DUDE will be screened at the historic Brauntex Theater in Downtown New Braunfels, Texas during the Texandance International Film Festival on Friday, June 5th at 11:30 p.m. We can't think of a better way to spend seven bucks. After all, wouldn't you like to meet meet Mr. Tea -- the non compos mentis filmmaker extraordinaire?

More information regarding this film can be found at www.thebabyfooddude.com.

THE ENIGMA OF KASPAR HAUSER

"Do you not hear this horrible scream all around you that people usually call silence?"

Werner Herzog is the most fascinating, uncompromising and inspiring motion picture director of our time. Among his fifty-plus credits are such unforgettable films as AGUIRRE: THE WRATH OF GOD (1972), FITZCARRALDO (1982), WHERE THE GREEN ANTS DREAM (1984), MY BEST FIEND (1999) and RESCUE DAWN (2006). He is the only feature film director to have made a film on every continent, and over the years he has racked up nearly five dozen major awards and nominations for his work worldwide. Among these accolades are the Grand Jury Award and the Prize of the Ecumenical Jury presented at the 1974 Cannes Film Festival for his profound, frighteningly insightful THE ENIGMA OF KASPAR HAUSER -- truly one of Herzog's most memorable and intriguing features.

Based on a true story, Kaspar Hauser was a mysterious historical figure who, one morning in 1823, appeared standing frightened and motionless in a town square clutching a Bible and an anonymous letter. This young man, probably in his late teens or early twenties, was barely able to walk and was totally uneducated -- the result of being chained to the floor of an isolated stone tower his entire life. There was no human contact of any kind; he was slipped a tray of food at night while asleep so he could not see or interact with those responsible for his incarceration. Furthermore, the only light reaching his solitary cell came from a small opening too high for him to look out. As a result, this young man had never previously seen a tree or a bird or another living organism other than perhaps an occasional spider and, possibly, rats. Barely able to walk, and totally uneducated, Kaspar Hauser is soon extensively examined, exploited, mocked and ultimately killed by a member of a society in which he found himself forceably immersed.


Herzog brilliantly presents a parade of so-called experts who attempt to assess and classify this unfortunate, nescient stranger into some type of scientific pigeonhole which would conform to their preconceived understanding of human nature and the manner in which knowledge is acquired and then processed. This array of notable scientists and philosophers recognized that Kaspar Hauser represented a unique specimen of a man living in a pure, natural, uncivilized state. Their collective failure, however, to even begin to understand this "enigma" leads to the notion that, possibly, none of mankind's accumulated knowledge may really have any meaning at all. There is no other director alive who would even attempt to explore this premise -- none.


In portraying the enormous grind endured by an outcast struggling to make his way into the "established" world, Herzog found a perfect metaphor for his own personal struggles within the film business. "You have to be daring to do things like this, because the world is not easily accepting of filmmaking. There will always be some sort of an obstacle, and the worst of all obstacles is the spirit of bureaucracy. You have to find your way to battle bureaucracy. You have to outsmart it, to outgut it, to outnumber it, to outfilm them -- that's what you have to do."

Bruno S. is fantastic in the title role. For a period of twenty-three years this troubled man found himself institutionalized in one mental institution after another, frequently escaping only to be caught and incarcerated again. When Herzog met Bruno he was dividing his time as a street performer and a forklift operator. Only Herzog would be so bold as to cast someone like this for the title character in a motion picture -- but, once again, Herzog's films have never depended on "acting" in the conventional sense. Rather, he focuses on individuals who embody the essence of the character and can portray that essence with raw, unbridled intensity. "There are certain laws and elements that make a film more accessible to mainstream audiences. If you've got Tom Cruise playing a strongman, I'm sure it would have larger audiences, but it wouldn't have the same substance."

The original title for this motion picture was EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF AND GOD AGAINST ALL. That, of course, was too esoteric for American audiences. But thanks to the unwavering determination of Werner Herzog, the title was the only thing changed when the film crossed the Atlantic. And think about this -- had this story been adapted for the screen by someone like Robert Zemeckis or Steven Spielberg or just about anyone else for that matter, we would have had to endure Tom Hanks in the lead role.

Substance be damned...the Hollywood way.

MARCH MADNESS

It's that time of year again -- March Madness is just around the corner and the science of Bracketology will once more take precedence over such mundane disciplines as cancer research or a cure for restless leg syndrome. A key question, of course, is who will follow in the footsteps of Valpariso or Dayton or George Mason. Another Cinderella is surely on the horizon...


Which brings me to perhaps the biggest basketball upset since 1971. To be more precise, the date was January 5, 1971. The place was Martin, Tennessee. The winning shot just before the buzzer was made by a diminutive five foot seven inch guard named Klotz. The final score was 100-99. The victorious team broke what is surely the longest continuous, unbroken winning streak in history -- a staggering 2,499 games -- and they have not won since.

The losers? None other than the Harlem Globetrotters.

The winners? The Washington Generals, a team formed in 1952, by none other than Louis "Red" Klotz after Globtrotters' owner Abe Saperstein invited him to assemble a worthy adversary to accompany his team on their worldwide tours. Over the ensuing decades, Klotz has served as owner, player and coach for this team named in honor of Dwight D. Eisenhower. Unlike Ike, however, Klotz was once labeled by SPORTS ILLUSTRATED "The General Whose Army Never Wins."


(Indisputable proof that the Generals are "hexed")

Actually, Klotz's teams have won a total of six games against the Globetrotters, but with a winning percentage of .0000769 Klotz will never challenge Coack K. or Pat Summit for hardwood glory. But who else has lost games in front of popes, kings, queens, Kruschev or the Shah of Iran? Who else has endured losing a basketball game on aircraft carriers, in bullrings, on soccer fields, in prisons, in South Dakota, in the deep end of a large swimming pool or in a leper colony? And they say Cameron Arena is a tough place to play...


Samuel Beckett once exhorted: "Fail better."

With losses in over 100 countries and literally thousands of cities, towns and villages in North America, Louis "Red" Klotz continues to do exactly that.

PARIS, JE T'AIME

PARIS, JE T'AIME is an incandescent portrait of the City of Lights. Comprising eighteen short films which average a mere eight minutes each, this cinematic omnibus is a highly entertaining, loving tour through eighteen separate and distinct Parisian quarters as seen through the unique stylistic vision of twenty renowned directors. (Two of the films were co-directed.)

Producers Emmanuel Benbihy and Claudie Ossard are to be congratulated for undertaking such an ambitious project. With a stellar cast that includes Marianne Faithful, Bob Hoskins, Miranda Richardson, Juliette Binoche, Willem Dafoe, Nick Nolte, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Elijah Wood, among many, many more, each segment is markedly unique although the one common theme is that each of these vivid, kaleidoscopic views portrays someone who is either in love in Paris or in love with Paris -- arguably the most romantic city in the world -- Bulverde, Texas notwithstanding.


One of the highlights is TUILERIES, co-directed by the Cohen Brothers, starring Steve Buscemi as a typically clueless American tourist who unintentionally captures the attention of a young woman in the bowels of the Paris subway system, much to the chagrin of her paranoid lover.


Another highlight for this reviewer was TOUR EIFFEL, a charming, almost giddy tale of mimes in love directed by Sylvain Chomet (two-time Oscar winner for animation). To find myself thoroughly enjoying this particular valentine is a testament to Chomet's talented directing skills as I generally find anything to do with mimes to be as irritating as Topo Gigio or Sean Hannity.


Perhaps the most unusual segment is QUARTIER DE LA MADELEINE, a stylish pop-art vampire romp that may seem out of place among the other films, but Hell's bells, vampires need love, too. And the beauty of a short film anthology is that if one of the films doesn't appeal to you personally, it is only a matter of minutes before another totally different story unfolds on the screen. Hey, who doesn't like a "quickie?"


Of course, every pu pu platter has that one delicious morsel that trumps all the other offerings, and in my opinion 14TH ARRONDISSEMENT is not only the last segment, it is the most enchanting. Alexander Payne (SIDEWAYS, ABOUT SCHMIDT) begins his story as a humorous look at an unsophisticated, frumpy, dumpy American tourist, played by Margo Martindale (Ma Cox in WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY, along with over sixty other credits) which subtly transforms into something totally different, concluding on a poignant, surprising, wistful note. Just like puffing on a Gauloises after a "nooner," this is the perfect way to end this wonderful collection of cinematic quickies.